Beatin' The Heatin' (With A Bit Of Cheatin')

I know I've been all bitter and twisted over the total lack of summertime here in England, but all the same I've been getting urges to make ice cream since I came back from my holiday to Mallorca (Spain). Specifically, coconut ice cream - I must have eaten about a billion gallons of the stuff, but it was ridiculously good.


Of course, that wasn't the only coconut my friends and I encountered on our travels...


...but that's another story (his name, if you're wondering, is Angry Ted. He is currently sat in an empty champagne bottle in a corner of my bedroom, wearing a flower garland, a mini sombrero, and his trademark angry frown).

Anyway, by some totally bizarre coincidence, out of nowhere, today is a summer's day (I mean with like, sunshine, and heat and everything), so now seemed the time to throw these two recipes at you (two recipes! I'm so generous today. That's the sunshine talking).

Actually I think I suspect why this is. As it happens, Grace from A Southern Grace is hosting a 'Beat The Heat' event, calling for any kind of food as long as it requires no heat to make.


Here is where I start cheatin', cause I have to admit to some heatin'. And rhymin'. And knocking 'g's off verbs.

On the other hand, Grace does say in the rules that ice cream makers are allowed. And as I've made a sorbet and an ice cream here WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS, and none of that troublesome machinery, I'm hoping I have space to talk my way out of the rules a bit. If not, I'll only submit the pineapple sorbet recipe (which involves no heatin' at all) and just casually happen to also have a coconut ice cream recipe featured here too, by utter coincidence.

Not that you need an ice cream maker to make ice cream. I've neverever used an ice cream maker. It only takes two seconds or so on the hour, and if you're in all evening anyway where's the inconvenience? If people start commenting me saying 'I'd love to make this but I don't have an ice cream maker' I'll beat them up. YOU DON'T NEED ONE TO MAKE ICE CREAM. THINK OF YOUR ANCESTORS.

Pineapple Sorbet
I can't for the life of me find where I got this from.

1/2 pineapple, peeled and cored (500ml puree or 2 cups)
8-10 tbsp sugar
125ml (1/2 cup) water

1. Slice the pineapple into chunks and puree them in a blender with the sugar and water until smooth. Taste to see if you need to add any more sugar.

2. If you're gonna be swanky with your ENTIRELY UNECESSARY ice cream maker here, chill the mixture and then churn in your machine, according to manufacturer's instructions. Pour into a freezer proof bowl and return to the freezer.

3. If you're gonna be cool and old-school, pour the sorbet into a freezer proof bowl and return to the freezer. Once an hour, open it up and beat it to hell with a whisk or metal spoon (I use a metal spoon) to get out the ice crystals. You need to do this maybe four times to get a smooth texture, and then you can leave it to freeze for good.

The next thing you need to know is that this coconut ice cream is godly. I might just be filled with general goodwill towards mankind/dessert as a result of the good weather, but my sister will testify that upon eating the models in the photograph above (the reason I will never get into fashion photography; my sessions always end with a feeding frenzy) I stood around the kitchen shouting things like, 'THIS IS THE BEST ICE CREAM IN THE WORLD' and 'KILL ME NOW, SO I CAN DIE HAPPY' and 'DKGNSJKKSN YUM YUM' for about ten minutes.

If this appeals to you... haha.

Coconut Ice Cream
Adapted from Murphys Coconut and Rum Ice Cream

180g (1 cup)Sugar
5 Egg Yolks
175ml (3/4 cup)Cream
175ml (3/4 cup) Coconut milk
240ml (don't know how much that is in grams, sorry) (1 cup) Desiccated (dried and shredded) coconut
260ml (1 1/8 cup) Milk
1 tbsp Lemon Juice

The original recipe included 4 tbsp of Malibu or similar coconut rum, which I left out, despite actually having some. I think I was too lazy to go upstairs to get it.

Yield: 6 Servings (HA.)

1. Beat the sugar and egg yolks together until thick and pale yellow. Bring the milk to a simmer and beat it into the eggs and sugar in a slow stream.

2. Pour the mixture back into pan and place over low heat. Add the coconut milk. Stir until the custard thickens slightly (around 70C). Use a thermometer, as at 75C the eggs will scramble! (As I'm sure you can guess, I have no time for thermometers and such. Pfft. I did without). Refrigerate over night.

3. Toast half of the desiccated coconut over medium heat in a dry saucepan, stirring all the time, until they turn a golden colour. Allow to cool. (The original recipe had less coconut and toasted it all, but I only toasted half and left the rest plain, for the difference in texture; I was trying to recreate the stuff I had in Mallorca, which didn't have toasted coconut flakes).

4. Stir the coconut, rum (if using) and the lemon into the refrigerated custard. Whip the cream and gently fold in the custard. Realise you have forgotten you have a driving lesson and panic.

5. Freeze using a domestic ice cream machine, or cover and place in the freezer. Same instructions apply as for the sorbet if you don't have an ice cream machine.

This also reminds me to remind you that there's still loads of time to enter my own summer event, Welcome To Wonderland - if you're cookin' up (there go my 'g's again) anything whimsical or wonderful pleaseplease submit it and make a young girl happy. As you can guess, I smile upon cheaters.